This week has been interesting and very pertinent for what is happing in my life. To give a little background my wife and I have been chugging along getting rid of some debt we have built up together, nothing crazy but enough that we both sat down and wanted to get serious about paying it off so we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. While things have been going really good and we had made some good strides in paying off our debt my in-laws have asked to come over and have a talk with us. Right away I felt a good feeling like it was something we needed to do. They came over and told us how they have decided to serve a mission in the coming months and they would like us move from our home and live in their house till they come home, we would also be watching their son that has autism. We thought about the decision for a day but it was a total win for everyone involved. We could sell/rent our home and eliminate that remaining debt in a matter of a few months, I could finish my schooling at a faster rate, we would build a stronger connection with my brother in law (him and I get along really well), and they could fulfill their calling and go on a mission.  

As I read this week, all about relationships with families and finances I thought about the blessing it is that we have this opportunity.  We have built these incredible relationships with both sides of our family and we have also been able to maintain our relationship and build our own marital identity. As things will be changing and we are are essentially moving in with my brother in-law we know there will be challenges but something that we look forward too and hope that we can maintain a healthy balance. 

As we go forward with our financial future we have been able to not go any further into debt for about 6 months now and have slowly been paying off debt and loans. Essentially with this option we have in front of us we can hit the financial reset button.  We consider ourselves incredibly lucky to have this option because many do not. Now that my wife and I have managed to build new habits that avoid things like debt or over spending we know going forward it will only help our overall financial outcome. I will also be able to finish most if not all of my schooling while we stay in her parents home. This will allow me to make more money in the future. 

As I was reading about Poduskas “till debt do us part” I thought about the changes a family goes through as they first get married, have their first child, more children, and into retirement age. As these life changes happen, so do the finances within them. Anyone worried about these life changes and the finances involved with it should review his articles.

Elder Ballard talks about councils and their importance in the church. The church would not function today without its councils and organization. Elder Ballard talks about a few principles of councils and we can use those same principles and apply them to our family organization to find more organization and more effectiveness to be a more loving a family. Below are a few steps that Elder Ballard speaks about which I have taken and tried applying in my family councils.

1. Agenda – Distributed night before, read and pondered overnight. During meeting each agenda item is gone over one by one

2. Opening Pray- Spirit involved

3. The Recommendation- Each person is free to express feelings on each topic.

4. Vote- Making a final decision after all sides have been brought up and feelings of faith and harmony. Everyone must agree

As my wife and I have tried followed implementing these ideas into our family councils we have found great love and kindness for each other.

1. Agenda- Since we both only have a few topics to go over we don’t have an agenda distributed the night before but we do write down a few topics that we would like to discuss. Everything gets put on the table. For now its just a meeting between her and I but as our children get a little older we hope to involve them more. For larger topics and any major decisions we try and plan a short presentation, like any changes to a budget we would express how we would take from one area and give to another area.

2. Opening Prayer- Following the spirit in our conversation has been key to the success of what we do as a family council. When we start and end with a prayer we tend to not argue or complain but we openly listen to each other because the spirit is there.

3. Recommendation- We both know that as we come to these meetings we might have some difference of opinions but we understand that we both are just trying to make our family better. We discuss our opinions and make our points clear of what we want. We both try and listen to each other with loving ears as we go through this. Then we come to a conclusion

4. Vote- By this time after we have discussed our thoughts and impressions we try and come to a win win scenario where we both get what we want. After we see eye to eye we both have a better understanding of each other. Most of the time we can compromise and come to a good conclusion but we also know not everything will be that simple, if we need to wait, we let the topic settle and sleep on it until another family council.

Elder Ballard says “The President of the Twelve then asks for the vote of the Quorum; thus, the Twelve make decisions in harmony, unity, and faith, with the combined judgment of each member and in harmony with the Spirit. (Called to the Work, 111–13)” My wife and I try and incorporate that same harmony in our meetings and the progress we have made has been extraordinary.

This week, as I read Sean E. Brotherson’s article “Fulfilling the sexual stewardship in Marriage” I was pondering how this topic can be so hard to talk about in public or with others. While a loving relationship is private, it is crucial that we have open discussions with our family about sex and being married. 

Children are exposed to an unhealthy look at sexual relations from a young age. A quick google search will let you know kids are usually exposed to some form of pornography between the ages 9-11 years old. As their minds develop and without any direction of what they should do when exposed to those images or conversations, things can get addictive fast. Before that child is exposed to anything that would cause harm, we should be the ones starting the conversation. Rather than having “the talk”, we should have small open discussions whenever the child is ready. When we open up conversations while we are cleaning the house or relaxing around the house, the child will understand we can have these conversations whenever they want to have them. If we can get a head of the bad influences, your child will get that information from a much more reliable source. You can also lead them to certain talks or videos that the church has provided in their free time. 

One of the things my wife and I talked about before we got married was talking about sexual relations. I think something that drew us together was our ability to talk with each other about anything and we found what works best for us. As we have been married and have one kid our talks have continued and always helped us to maintain a healthy relationship. I love what it says in A Parents Guide, Chapter 6 “Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion.” Rather than focusing on you and your needs, we were both more concerned about each other and knowing what the other person wants or needs. Having this open conversation has helped us in our marriage tremendously.

What are good ways we can keep open but respectful conversations about sexual intimacy with our spouse, family, and others?

When I think of gridlock, I think of a traffic jam on the freeway, bumper to bumper cars not able to move because of an object on the freeway. Like those times on the freeway, every marriage can experience a martial gridlock. A time where your spouse and you just cannot agree on something. Some of the more stressful times in life come when you and your spouse do not agree on something. There are ways to move past this gridlock and overcome it. Gottman has some incredibly helpful steps that help us work past these difficult times.

Becoming a “dream detective”- Usually this is the cause of the gridlock, like a dream car or dream home but the spouse either has another dream or something in the marriage is not permitting this dream to come true. Its important to realize what you want and how you feel. Thinking about your dreams can help you rationalize things in your head to clear things up or to help you explain your dream to your spouse.

Explain your position- Pondering your dream will allow you to speak about your dream to your spouse. Why this dream is important to you and how you think it could benefit the marriage. Without criticizing your spouse you can simply explain what is important to you.

Soothe each other- When tender subjects are brought up, we are sensitive to hurtful conversation and more likely to build walls. its important to understand each other and know that both of you are stressed. By taking the time to help each other cope with the situation you find empathy towards the situation.

Accept that some problems are unsolvable- While it is important to come to some sort of agreement and understanding, its possible that you might not solve this problem tonight or next year. Coming up with clear cut plans with each other where you can compromise one helps keep your dreams alive. The important part is making progress on something that might change in time.

Overcoming your marital gridlock is important to finding love and empathy for each other. letting go of some things will help you get closer to your spouse. Understanding you are two individuals with dreams of your own helps you show your spouse who you really are and how you can strengthen your marriage. 

Overcoming Gridlocked Conflict

For more help and a guide to overcoming gridlock found in the link below.

Gottman references that 69% of arguments are perpetual. I think this is pretty accurate. I know in my own life, I can think of a handful of topics that my wife and I argue about. Arguing about money and workload are two of the main things we get frustrated with. I don’t think I am alone in those two topics either. For the 7 years we have been together, there has always been arguments about finances and how we can improve on it. While things have improved, I can say that we still argue about this topic. When I bring up workload I mean the things that need to be done but both of us would like to avoid, like work, cleaning the house, or changing diapers we will often argue about one particular week I am pulling the weight and then next week my wife is pulling the weight and sometimes we can just get fed up with things. These two topics are something that I can say, actually have gotten better but neither of us are perfect and we will most likely argue about these things. I love the talk by Elder Faust “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”, he states “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes “that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.”.” Its easier to find fault in someone and not see past their weaknesses, but its a far more worthy cause to look past those weaknesses and love someone for what God see’s them as. I know as I have looked past my wife’s weaknesses, she has done the same and looked past my weakness’s. We try and see each other as the lord see’s us. Even though we often argue about money or how much work we do around the house, we really just want to be heard and appreciated for the work that we do.

Reading President Bensons talk took me back to my mission, my mission president required that we read that talk a few times while out on my mission in London, England. Before my mission I had never read it and since coming home I have gone through my notes or read it a few times but I love this talk so I was excited to dive back into this week. In the world we live in there is pride all around us, in every person there is a little bit of pride that pokes at us when we want something or when we choose to hide something from another. I love when Elder Benson says “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.” I think thats what makes things so difficult because we can see pride so vivid in someone but when we take a look at ourselves, we justify or miss why we would be prideful in that situation . Like the late Michael Jackson says, “I’m Starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways” (Man in the mirror, Jackson). We truly need to look at ourselves first and acknowledge that we are imperfect. Without that acknowledgment of pride in ourselves we cannot better ourselves and shake off the natural man. Jesus Christ gave us a higher law and it was to be above pride, not only should you not have adultery but you shouldn’t even lust after another women. Its that added law which is difficult for anyone to overcome. Pride covers a wide range of areas, like disobedience, selfishness, envying, coveting, anger, the list goes on and on.

While there are so many way to be prideful, we can overcome it. We can follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost and Repent, things which will provide true joy and happiness. This might be the most difficult thing we can overcome in life, is putting off Pride.

Marriage is such an important lesson in life. Not only do we learn about our spouse but we learn about ourselves. I think getting married in the temple and making those covenants help us deepen our understanding on both aspects. As I have been married with my wife for 7 years now I have learned that you don’t just get married but you learn to adapt and you learn to grow with your spouse. While both you and your spouse get older, your opinions and view might change and it’s important to keep a good communication between the two of you to maintain a healthy relationship and grow in love and unity together. When you focus your marriage on the gospel and honor each other you can come together much stronger. Because your allowing Christ in your life while strengthening your testimony your keeping the commandments and honoring your eternal path to the celestial kingdom. Because your keeping the commandments your bond with your spouse is only strengthening.

I love this quote from President Hinckley in his talk called “Life obligations” he says “This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry…There is no substitute for marrying in the temple. It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat your companion. Don’t shortchange your lives. Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.” Being married in the temple with your spouse is one of the crowning achievements you can accomplish in life. When we get married  in the temple compared to getting married civially we make a deeper commitment to our spouse. We let them know that beyond being married to each for life we want to be with them forever.

For a successful marriage to work, sacrifice is essential. The same can be said for any two people trying to work together to accomplish a goal but it more vital in a marriage setting. Before you are married you have your way of doing things, the way you have been doing things for years. From doing your laundry, cooking, cleaning, and spending your free time. For myself I knew I was going to sacrifice some of these things to make my marriage work but I was not sure what it was. For a little bit of context I was one of the oldest of my friends, about year. When I got back from serving my mission, all of my friends were pretty much gone to school or on missions. With this head start I was the first of my friends to get engaged. When we got engaged I quickly realized there was a divide between my friends and my future wife.  My wife got frustrated at one point and I needed to show her that she was my number one priority. I never thought I was going to need to make a sacrifice like that but I ended up proving my love for her, which was what she needed to see in me. As we got married and I wasn’t spending as much time with my friends, it was hard but as time went on my wife also understood that my friends were important to me and now all of us get together often. This was a tough sacrifice but I knew that taking care of my wife was the most important thing. 

I love this quote by elder Holland “No one would wish a bad marriage on anyone. But where do we think “good marriages” come from? They don’t spring full-blown from the head of Zeus any more than does a good education, or good home teaching, or a good symphony. Why should a marriage require fewer tears and less toil and shabbier commitment than your job or your clothes or your car? Yet some of you will spend less time on the quality and substance and purpose of your marriage—the highest, holiest, culminating covenant you make in this world—than you will in maintaining your ’72 Datsun. And you will break the hearts of many innocent people, including perhaps your own, if that marriage is then dissolved. “You must [not give] half-hearted compliance [to a marriage],” said President Kimball. “[It requires] all [our] consecration”. So every worthy task will require all that we can give to it. The Lord requires the heart and a willing mind if we are to eat the good of the land of Zion in the last days.” (However Long and Hard the Road, Holland)

We are required to sacrifice many things and it requires that we give everything to it.

I enjoyed learning about Gottman’s thoughts about marriage and how in many ways its fostering a friendship between your spouse. It really hit me hard this week because of a family vacation we took just last week. In preparation for this family vacation I was trying to get 2 weeks worth of my classes done so I would not have to do as much work while we were gone. Also my wife was doing the same, preparing for the trip, packing, etc. It was just a few days before we left and we both were incredibly stressed. We took that stress out on each other and argued. After releasing some tension and working things out we just realized that we had not given each other the time we both needed. If we had simply even just made some time in preparation for our vacation to just watch a movie together or give each other longer hugs when we saw each other after work, we could have avoided such arguments. It was nice to be able to go on vacation and mend those ties that we neglected and be able to build up our friendship again. The natural man inside of me was missing my wife and was also not realizing that my wife was feeling the same thing. I wanted her to appreciate my efforts of working hard and put more work on her shoulders to help get our child down and keep the house in order. When we both put the natural man behind us we realized that we were doing these things out of love for each other but might have overlooked our minor responsibilities. Putting down the natural man and focusing on the needs of someone else was what helped me be a better husband.

Thinking about my Genogram I thought it was important to realize how my family traits not only help me in life but also thing that are warning signs. I feel like I was blessed to have an awesome English/Italian heritage that has taught me to appreciate things pertaining to those cultures. I have been blessed by ancestors with grey physical attributes and abilities. Also while I did my Genogram I was able to notice things like drugs and alcoholism that could be more addicting in my family compared to others. Also on another side of my family I noticed some traits of diabetes. Knowing that I might or my children might be be likely to pick those traits up as well. I can start now by avoiding those things or doing things in life that would help me prevent health issues in the future. Like diabetes I can start now by having healthy eating habits and regular exercise. By looking into the  past, I have been able to prevent a bad future for myself and children.  Apart of me would think taking this Genogram another generation would help me as well to really show me things and open my eyes to what be careful with.

The Genogram has also helped me see who has been baptized and who has remained faithful in my family. For the most part I have an amazing family who has remained steadfast in the gospel but there is evidence of people using their agency and doing what they think is the best. As I have noticed those who have remained in the gospel they have found the most success and happiness in life. While most of those who fell off the path have mostly chosen things like drugs or alcohol and have not been as happy or found such success in life.  There are no guarantees, that if you choose the gospel you will be rich and successful but by comparison I have seen that to be true in most cases and it strengthens my testimony of the gospel, I am grateful I could do this Genogram to do my own families Genogram.